Satirical Article
*Disclaimer: Submitted anonymously, the following is a satirical column that reflects the growing dissatisfaction with the scandelous manner in which the government has conducted its investigation into Dr. Al-Arian and other American Muslim leaders, as well as the disgraceful way in which the media have reported on it.

The Tampa Fibune: Disney’s Mouse Tied to Terror?

By: Larry Liyer with contributions from Pan Son Fyre ————-February 12, 2004
In yet another bold discovery, federal agents announced that they may perhaps have possibly uncovered a potential lead in their investigation of former University of South Florida Professor Sami Al- Arian. Al-Arian, 46, currently awaits his 2005 trial from Coleman Penitentiary as prosecutors meticulously construct their airtight case. Recently released court documents conclusively illustrate an underground terrorist network operating within the Walt Disney World estate in Orlando, Florida.

The affidavit, filed by FBI Agent Ida Kildem, contends that, as part of his leadership of local, global, and intergalactic terror groups, Al-Arian had a secret partnership with Disney officials to use the Walt Disney World resort on a number of occasions as a base for recruiting, plotting, and training for future attacks. According to the document, “in the course of our two searches of the Al-Arian residence, we discovered ticket stubs to the Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center, and Disney’s MGM Studios ranging as far back as 1987.”

According to Kildem, there have been nineteen separate visits in the past fifteen years, “that we know of,” leaving open the possibility of additional, secret trips to the parks.

Adding to that, Kildem states that home videotapes federal officials obtained clearly show Al-Arian and family walking with the famed Disney castle in the background. A clip alluded to in the document alleges that Al-Arian made direct contact with various Disney officials. A still photo from that videotape, whose entirety remains classified, was leaked by the US Attorneys office. In it, a serious- faced Sami Al-Arian is pictured standing side by side with noted member of Disney personnel, Mickey Mouse.

While details of their communications remain ambiguous, government officials assert that the meetings most probably involved transfer of terrorist finances using Mouse’s jurisdiction over the Disney estate’s finances, which are usually conducted in the theme parks’ own distinctive legal tender. “US currency is already hard enough to track, let alone Disney money,” said Willie Burnem, chief prosecutor in the case.

These revelations are just the latest in a string of damning evidence released in what may possibly become “the largest terrorist dragnet in the history of the universe,” according to a brief statement by Attorney General John Ashcroft. Found along with ticket stubs and videotapes in Al-Arian’s home were an empty Disney duffle bag, thought to have been used to transport piles of Disney cash, a hat with “Mickey ears,” and a trick dog leash that gives the appearance of an imaginary dog attached to it. “I don’t understand the point of that,” said Burnem, “What would they need that for unless they had the intention of fooling people? It’s obvious here that these people have something to hide.”

Additionally, included in the list of items is a giant stuffed Simba doll from the popular Lion King film about dangerous animals roaming wildly on the African plains. Also thought to be an inspiration to terrorists is the film Aladdin, whose unruly monkey character, Abu, is seen terrorizing a Middle Eastern city’s shopkeepers in the opening moments of the film. A VHS copy of Aladdin was discovered in the Al-Arian home in a November 1995 raid.

While details remain blurry concerning Al-Arian’s exact relationship with Mouse or other Disney characters, prosecutor Burnem asserted that the investigation remained ongoing. “We are taking a very close look at the recent activities of Mr. Mickey Mouse. I assure you, no churro cart will remain unturned.”

A source from within the US Attorneys office asking not to be identified added, “Yeah, you can bet we’re onto something here. In fact, I’d say this thing is much bigger than the mouse. We’re looking at Donald Duck–he’s quite an angry fellow, that’s no secret to anyone. Goofy is a lot more clever than most people give him credit for. Who do you think came up with charging $6.95 for a can of Sprite? And where do you think all that money is going? The terrorists. Exactly.”

While the affidavit makes no direct mention of it, the Fibune’s investigative team recently exposed the depths of Disney’s terrorist ties. Records recovered from Mickey Mouse’s office files show that the Disney parks have been a longtime haven for Wahhabi elements. In fact, as much as ten percent of the Magic Kingdom’s annual attendance is from wealthy Saudi extremists –many of whom personally met with Mouse and other top Disney officials during their stay. One such figure is Malish Da’wah, a top Saudi cleric who calls himself the “civil engineer.”

Da’wah has long been suspected of funneling funds through various lucrative investments that make contributions to Middle Eastern charities that distribute the finances to orphaned blind children running lemonade stands. This string of stands in turn transfers its profits to mutual funds, which thereafter fall in the hands of terrorist organizations, according to Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ). In a speech before three coworkers in September 1977 that has since been widely publicized, Da’wah was heard saying “the Jews.” As recently as March 2000, witnesses saw Da’wah, along with his wife and seven children, exiting the Space Mountain ride in the Magic Kingdom.

National security expert Binyamin Dover commented on the recent findings saying, “What we have here is the largest terrorist network, not only of terrorist financing and terrorist recruiting, but also terrorist training. In these times, we cannot be expected to believe that these terrorists are simply enjoying a nice terrorist family vacation at Disney Land. Space Mountain represents all that is unholy for Islam and its followers, and if you know the terrorist mindset, it is precisely that method with which these terrorists wish to terrorize us.”

According to Dover, Da’wah and other Wahhabi extremists have found safe haven in Disney World using their exorbitant wealth and affinity for Mickey Mouse Pops to exploit the park’s facilities to train for actual terror attacks. “It is this ungodly Islamic fanaticism which drives these terrorists to wait in line for up to three hours for a ride which lasts just 98 seconds. And do they even enjoy it? No. Throughout, they are only plotting ways in which they can use their newly acquired Western knowledge about the limits of gravity to plot terrorist attacks against us.” He also added, “Terror. Terrorize. Terrorists. Terrorism.”

Of the evidence collected, one will prove to be a particular thorn in the side of Al-Arian’s defense team. A framed 1994 photograph of Al-Arian and family on Splash Mountain appears under a caption reading “Best Vacation Ever.” Expert translators have interpreted the term “vacation” to mean “terrorist training camp” in popular Arab culture. Ida Kildem believes the picture says it all. “If you could only see the mischievous smiles on their faces. It’s enough to turn your stomach.” Local and state ports and harbors were subsequently placed on high alert.

Kildem’s affidavit further alleges ties between Al-Arian and Da’wah, as both in recent years registered separate accounts with the same server to send and receive electronic mail. The site, known as yahoo.com, has been used by both men as recently as February 2003, a coincidence Kildem calls “eerie” and “further evidence that the terror network is real and very much alive.” Furthermore, Mickey Mouse’s name appeared in over half a million places in a random web search. The search engine used: yahoo.com.

While it is too soon to tell whether Mouse or any of his cohorts will face charges, or what effects this will have in the Al-Arian case, the Kildem affidavit suggests the investigation is already producing results. In its closing sentences, the document briefly mentions that three individuals are prepared to testify for the government should the case reach trial. The government source elucidated further on this, saying, “this set of triplets is ready to quack on about their uncle, Daisy, and of course, Mickey, blowing the whole operation wide open.”

Defense expert Phil Dedspace is more skeptical, however. “These supposed witnesses will have a real credibility problem. It’s common knowledge that these disgruntled ducklings have had it out for Donald for a long time. And let’s not forget, all these people are innocent until proven guilty.”